For many widowers and widows, dating after a loss requires support and the empathetic company of people who understand the situation. This is where EliteSingles can help. We prioritise compatibility: a concept that involves matching personalities, locations and, crucially, life experiences. If you’re looking for companionship, connection and for Kiwi singles who understand loving after loss, then why not try EliteSingles today?
Moving on at your pace
Moving on from losing a partner is one of the hardest things a person can deal with. As psychotherapist Hilda Burke explains, everyone’s experience is different and there are no hard rules about when to move on. It’s important to remember, though, that moving on is not about ‘replacing’ or ‘forgetting’ about your loved one – it’s about allowing yourself room for both treasured memories and new happiness. This can mean different things for different people: some may want to get remarried, while others might want to start with friendship and go from there.
Love after loss: where to start
No matter which approach you prefer, when trying out widower or widow dating it is vital to take the time to work out just what it is you want from a new potential partner. Your next step is to find a dating platform that can truly cater for your needs and help you meet others on the same wavelength.
If you’re ready to start a new chapter with someone who understands your situtation then EliteSingles might be the dating site for you. We match our members to truly compatible New Zealanders; prioritising connections that share some common ground. Furthermore, many of our members are aged 50+, meaning that we have a number of users who are looking for a second chance at love. If you’re among them. we can help you find like-minded, friendly company on our site.
Still not sure about taking the plunge with widower or widow dating? Read on for psychotherapist Hilda Burke’s heartfelt, compassionate advice about how to approach loving after loss – or, if you are looking for a new connection then get started with EliteSingles today to meet your matches.
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Remember your partner accurately
A key challenge when dating again is idealising our deceased partner and the relationship we had with them. As the relationship ended because of a death, we can feel that it would never have otherwise ended. In that sense, it can hold an ‘eternal’ quality in our hearts and minds, with our dead partner being elevated to the position of a ‘martyr’.
Of course, no matter how close our partner came to being ‘ideal’, we all know that no one really can be. That’s why it’s vital to remember your partner for who they were. Accurately remembering a lost loved one enables us to keep them in a place of honour in our hearts whilst also making space for the possibility of new love.
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Don’t compare or contrast
Whether widower or widow, dating again can bring you comfort and companionship after loss. Yet, to really see the rewards of this, it is important to remember two things: you musn’t compare (try not to think about how someone new is similar to your previous partner) and you musn’t contrast (likewise, try not to focus on how the person you are dating is different to your ex.)
The danger with comparing and contrasting is that anyone new will be measured according to an unachievable ideal. To bear this in mind is important for anyone serious about beginning to move forward. Again, this isn’t about replacing anyone or denying their memories – but it is about giving each love in your life their own space.
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The future is up to you
In The Dragonfly Pool, Eva Ibbotsen writes ”you cannot stop the birds of sorrow from flying overhead, but you can stop them nesting in your hair.” This is a great mindset for anyone dipping a toe in the widow dating pool: whilst you can’t stop grief and sadness paying a visit, it is up to you how long you let them stay. This is true of both the past and of anyone new you might meet.
Indeed, you cannot expect that every new date will be perfection but you can approach them with the right frame of mind. Do give yourself a chance – if your attempt at dating ends in tears, be kind and patient and applaud yourself for having given it a go. Remember to keep taking chances with love and with life. That’s the way forward.
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